what are you looking for?

I spent the last 10 days at Orientation for New Staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. We spent the time being trained in fund development, partnership, evangelism, multiethnicity, and how to do the many jobs of a campus staffworker.

Some of the highlights for me personally were visiting the national headquarters, talking baseball with the president Alec Hill, making fundraising calls together one night, and of course finally learning 6-handed euchre.

I'm inspired by the bold history we have here at InterVarsity. We are a movement built on the boldness, faithfulness, and courage of very special men and women of God. I stand in the shadows of these giants, a person blessed by their ministry and obedience. I feel encouraged, but also ashamed. I often feel I'm so utterly unworthy to serve God. I can't fundraise. I don't disciple well. I'm not bold in evangelism.

Last night we had a time of extended worship and God really met me with conviction and blessing. I'm reminded again of my desperate need for God and my all-consuming desire to be where he is.

Living and fundraising on my own has been so tiring these past 6 months. I've had no comfort, no closeness, and little spiritual life to speak of. Circumstances and my own sin have combined and I've had so few success in following God -- both in fundraising and in my own spiritual life. I have no community, no accountability, and by myself I am too weak to follow God. I've doubted the presence of God in my life.

But there's Jesus. And there's no one like Jesus. Hakuna mungu kama wewe. Palibe ofana ndi yesu.

Tonight I was feeling really down right after dinner, and I'm not sure why. I've been jealous of the presence of God in the lives and ministries of others lately. I've been bitter and angry, mostly at myself. And that's so disgusting. But I think a lot o what my mysterious emotion was was a fear of what will happen when I'm back home. This week I've felt like I could take on the world with God at my side. Next week, will I wonder if he's even there?

I'm reminded of the verse in the NT that describes how the Holy Spirit prays on our behalf when we don't know the words to pray. Spirit, will you pray through me? I'm frayed, broken, and heartsick instead of joyful and inspired. Will you restore my spiritual health and heal my physical tiredness? Will you protect me from the devil who is trying to undermine all the good work you've done already?

With red eyes, what are you looking for?
With red eyes, red eyes

(in this needle and haystack life
i've found miracles there in your eyes
it's no accident we're here tonight
we are once in a lifetime)

an open letter to money

Dear Money,

We're not the best of friends, right now. I've started to really resent you, and the attitude everyone has about you. True, there are still people you haven't quite corrupted yet. But for the most part it seems like you have everyone inside your nasty green-fingered grasp. I'm no exception; I believe it's been quite some time since I last gave any of my money away, for example. Actually, it hasn't been that long, but my check bounced and I was instantly pissed at myself for giving as much as I did. Whoops!

Last night I was talking over my IV budget with my parents and comparing my monthly income with expected monthly expenditures. I had considered not putting a line in to avoid arguments, but thought it might be a good opportunity to talk to my parents about my attitude towards money and make it into a witnessing moment. Instead, they got really mad at me. My dad thinks I shouldn't give any money away at mall. My mom argued that I didn't have to give away 10% anymore (I *know* that...but decided not to explain that I felt like that was a minimum).

It just frustrates me. So many people in the world live on so little, we have no right to get as uptight as we do about money in the US. The stats on Christian giving make me sick. It disgusts me that we give so little percentage wise, but it looks like a lot because we were born with more money than anyone else. I hate that whenever we *do* give money, the donors and the charity-givers become heroes and saviors.

Oh, well, money. We certainly can't break up, because I know I can't live without you. But man, this relationship is awkward right now.

Greg

why i loved cfw

If you don't know, CFW (Chapter Focus Week) is InterVarsity's annual end-of-the-year training camp for students at Cedar Campus in Michigan. Students flee to the Upper Peninsula for a week after finals to rest, recreate, be trained, and make space for God.

This year, rather than going with my peers and being trained to reach U of I, I went up to staff the week and spend time getting to know the students I'll be working with next year at SIU-Carbondale. And my conclusion: they're such a good bunch of kids. I was involved in training students to lead Bible studies during the week; spent time with them praying and worshiping; stayed in the same cabin as my students (which led to getting pranked at least three times); and got to spend time hiking and playing volleyball with the kids God is preparing me to minister to next school year.

I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I only spent one week with them, and I know no chapter is perfect, but the SIU chapter feels like a breath of fresh air. They are students with a deep, living faith that informs everything they do. They are the most missional bunch of students I've ever met. They are vulnerable and honest with each other. And God is doing a mighty work in their midst -- their chapter has doubled in size, reached out to so many non-Christians, and the chapter seems poised for even more growth and outreach.

Honestly, it was like a breath of fresh air. I spent my last semester in InterVarsity leadership extremely frustrated. My spiritual community was a mess. I had a vision for outreach that I thought God had given me but that few other people seemed to value. Most people involved in my little section of IV turned their back on our mission, and among those who didn't it seemed like they were having a different spiritual crisis every week. I constantly felt worn down, exhausted, and hopeless -- and really hurt, as numerous times a few people would do or say things to others in our community that were like slapping me in the face. And I was constantly frustrated by leadership structures that strangled the vitality out of my faith.

So many of the values that I missed and longed for in Allen Hall are present in the SIUC chapter. I was floored even just by the way they pray for each other. It felt like God was taking that week to say to me "Greg, that desire you had to see a witnessing community was right and valid. I am who you thought I was (and so much more, but we'll save that for later). I did call you to student ministry." So many of the doubts I've been having vanished in the sunlight of Michigan (it was 70 there all week! I wore shorts!)

every tribe, every tongue, every nation
hallelujah, he reigns

hallelujah, every breath is a second chance

Alright God,

So here's what I need. I need a big week to encourage me in fundraising. I need a big week to remind me why I was so confident you were calling me to IV staff. I need to be reminded that You are at work far more than I am, and that this whole thing is about Your mission, Your plan, and Your love for me. That it's not about me.

And by "big week" I don't mean I want a week where you bring in hundreds of dollars (though that would be AWESOME). I mean I need a big helping of your strength. I can't do fundraising on my own anymore. I need your voice, your encouragement. I need you to help me make calls and deal with both rejection and acceptance. I need your presence.

Amen.

hallelujah, i'm caving in
hallelujah, i'm in love again
hallelujah, i'm a wretched man
hallelujah, every breath is a second chance

word, yo.

This year Easter kind of snuck up on me. I mean, I knew it was coming obviously. I can read a calendar. But it seemed – spiritually insignificant. My relationship with God has been lacking (non-existent?) of late, and so Easter did not bring joy and thankfulness and worship. I basically ignored Holy Week (spent it flaking on fundraising). My Lent sacrifice had lasted all of 5 days, I think.

My ideas of the resurrection this year were really strongly influenced by all the thinking I’ve been doing about the Incarnation since Urbana. The Word of God put on flesh and moved into my neighborhood. It’s been such a powerful idea for me for the last couple months. The far-off King of the Universe decided to come near to all of us, and to me.

I remember the art piece from Urbana with the tap dancing and spoken word. It’s such an awesome illustration of the Incarnation. I think of God’s work in my life as this constant rhythm now. Can I hear it? Sometimes more clearly than others. Sometimes not so much, like this past month.

But any understanding of the Incarnation is incomplete without Easter. God moved into our block not only to be with us, but to die for us. Wow. And then he rose from the dead. And so did we.

story

Lost is my favorite TV show. It's a lot of fun to watch and talk about, but mostly the characters and the heart and depth of their story really connects to something in me. The clip above comes from last nights episode.

Ben is probably one of the darkest characters on Lost. He's done a lot of bad things and sacrificed a lot of people to have control. If anyone is beyond redemption in a show that specializes in redemptive character arcs, it's Ben. That's why the scene above is so powerful to me. It shows that Ben -- the manipulator, the schemer, the "bad guy" -- is *not* above redemption.

Locke is the current bad guy; "evil incarnate" according to one of the characters. And Ben is so lost and desperate that he feels like he has to join Locke because no one else will accept him. The look on Ben's face when Ilana welcomes him (somewhat less than enthusiastically) is just heartbreaking for me. (I mean, come on, this scene is superbly acted). It reminds me of my story of faith; my struggles with depression and low self-esteem. I always thought no one would accept or love me because of the ugliness inside me.

I just finished Don Miller's newest book on the power of story. I think a lot of what he says is right and true; about people wanting to live stories that matter. Ultimately the stories I love the most are the character pieces; the redemptive ones. Christ offers us all an opportunity to be a part of a redemptive character arc. It's an opportunity I eagerly grasp.

mark 3:7-19

Jesus withdrew with his disciples to the sea, and a great crowd followed, from Galilee and Judea and Jerusalem and Idumea and from beyond the Jordan and from around Tyre and Sidon. When the great crowd heard all that he was doing, they came to him. And he told his disciples to have a boat ready for him because of the crowd, lest they crush him, for he had healed many, so that all who had diseases pressed around him to touch him. And whenever the unclean spirits saw him, they fell down before him and cried out, “You are the Son of God.” 12 And he strictly ordered them not to make him known.

And he went up on the mountain and called to him those whom he desired, and they came to him. And he appointed twelve (whom he also named apostles) so that they might be with him and he might send them out to preach and have authority to cast out demons. He appointed the twelve: Simon (to whom he gave the name Peter); James the son of Zebedee and John the brother of James (to whom he gave the name Boanerges, that is, Sons of Thunder); Andrew, and Philip, and Bartholomew, and Matthew, and Thomas, and James the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus, and Simon the Cananaean, and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him.

There's an image in my head of the huge crowd. People are coming to Jesus because of their desperate need. For many it's physical healing, but I imagine there are some in the crowd who are looking for spiritual healing. I identify a lot with this crowd. I feel like lately though I've been hiding on the outside of the crowd. I've come to see Jesus, but I'm not actively fighting my way through the crowd to be near him. I've got problems, but maybe he can't see me in the crowd or has some other lesson to teach me. Or maybe I'm just not trying hard enough to reach him.

Part of me feels like I should identify with the second part of the passage. I mean; I'm a missionary, right? Jesus has supposedly chosen me to teach people and preach the gospel to them. I'm supposed to have this grand sense of mountaintop calling (and I have at time!). But when I've sat at 13% for weeks; when I've heard a lot of surprising "can'ts" but no exciting "wills"; I feel more and more like someone on the fringes of the crowd.

Jesus, I'm longing for your presence. But I have to confess too that I know I'm not working for it. I can't live each day with calling and spiritual self-initiative. I'm struggling to make it through each night of phone calls and each period of discouragement.

I know you're faithful. This I believe. And I know that you have timing, and a plan, and things to teach me and make me in your image. I know that it's good and it will be worth it -- like many of the other hard times I've gone through recently. In fact, I love those times because they brought me more of you. But right now I don\'t feel that reality; I just feel like I'm struggling out here on my own.

Is it right or okay to ask for comfort and encouragement about my fundraising right now? Would you provide some? It will be in your own time and way, and this I'm glad for because the last thing you need to do is to answer the needs I feel rather than the ones I have. But you know that, don't you? That's what Malawi was all about.