what are you looking for?

I spent the last 10 days at Orientation for New Staff with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. We spent the time being trained in fund development, partnership, evangelism, multiethnicity, and how to do the many jobs of a campus staffworker.

Some of the highlights for me personally were visiting the national headquarters, talking baseball with the president Alec Hill, making fundraising calls together one night, and of course finally learning 6-handed euchre.

I'm inspired by the bold history we have here at InterVarsity. We are a movement built on the boldness, faithfulness, and courage of very special men and women of God. I stand in the shadows of these giants, a person blessed by their ministry and obedience. I feel encouraged, but also ashamed. I often feel I'm so utterly unworthy to serve God. I can't fundraise. I don't disciple well. I'm not bold in evangelism.

Last night we had a time of extended worship and God really met me with conviction and blessing. I'm reminded again of my desperate need for God and my all-consuming desire to be where he is.

Living and fundraising on my own has been so tiring these past 6 months. I've had no comfort, no closeness, and little spiritual life to speak of. Circumstances and my own sin have combined and I've had so few success in following God -- both in fundraising and in my own spiritual life. I have no community, no accountability, and by myself I am too weak to follow God. I've doubted the presence of God in my life.

But there's Jesus. And there's no one like Jesus. Hakuna mungu kama wewe. Palibe ofana ndi yesu.

Tonight I was feeling really down right after dinner, and I'm not sure why. I've been jealous of the presence of God in the lives and ministries of others lately. I've been bitter and angry, mostly at myself. And that's so disgusting. But I think a lot o what my mysterious emotion was was a fear of what will happen when I'm back home. This week I've felt like I could take on the world with God at my side. Next week, will I wonder if he's even there?

I'm reminded of the verse in the NT that describes how the Holy Spirit prays on our behalf when we don't know the words to pray. Spirit, will you pray through me? I'm frayed, broken, and heartsick instead of joyful and inspired. Will you restore my spiritual health and heal my physical tiredness? Will you protect me from the devil who is trying to undermine all the good work you've done already?

With red eyes, what are you looking for?
With red eyes, red eyes

(in this needle and haystack life
i've found miracles there in your eyes
it's no accident we're here tonight
we are once in a lifetime)