faith

Having faith is difficult.

We Christians like to surround ourselves with cliches and platitudes, like: "trust in God's timing" and "God controls the outcome" and "all things work together for the good of those who love God." Theologically, we know that God is sovereign and that he controls all things: he controls us in sickness and in health, in wealth and poverty, in good times and bad. And yet, so often the theologically correct answers leave the heart wanting.

Faith for those of us who do ministry can be especially hard -- at least, that's my experience. So much of what we do is directly reliant on God working on our behalf. We are necessary for the work but not sufficient for it. In fact, we're inadequate for it. As a student leader for Intervarsity (and now as a staffworker) I feel like I'm constantly living in this tension of being used for the work but being a crooked, broken tool. All too often, I see ministry failure that seems to be clearly my fault -- due to my sin, or laziness, or inadequacy. And yet the times of joyful, life-altering success I know I can't take credit for! They're the work of the Holy Spirit.

Is that what there is for us who work with the gospel? Grief for our failures, and joy for God's successes? In doing ministry I've come to really understand what it means to be a "jar of clay." God's goal for (all of us) those of us in ministry is not to use us for a specific task or to accomplish a certain end: his goal is spiritual transformation. He wants to make us more like Jesus. Because what people need is not an abstract set of theological truths, or a two-year strategic growth plan, but a relationship with Christ, who loves us.

And that can be hard for me to learn; I'd say it's taken 22 years and 4 months so far, with no sign of letting up soon. I want "it" to be all about me, even ministry. I want to be the staff with the goals and chapter growth (and prove my worth); I want to be the fundraiser who gets funded super-quickly (and proves my worth); I want to be the awesome speaker who changes students' lives. But what I see again and again is my own inadequacy and my own failures getting in the way, like a garden filled with weeds. And the wedding process is long, and difficult, and painful. So do I have faith in God pulling through?