why i loved cfw

If you don't know, CFW (Chapter Focus Week) is InterVarsity's annual end-of-the-year training camp for students at Cedar Campus in Michigan. Students flee to the Upper Peninsula for a week after finals to rest, recreate, be trained, and make space for God.

This year, rather than going with my peers and being trained to reach U of I, I went up to staff the week and spend time getting to know the students I'll be working with next year at SIU-Carbondale. And my conclusion: they're such a good bunch of kids. I was involved in training students to lead Bible studies during the week; spent time with them praying and worshiping; stayed in the same cabin as my students (which led to getting pranked at least three times); and got to spend time hiking and playing volleyball with the kids God is preparing me to minister to next school year.

I loved it. Absolutely loved it. I only spent one week with them, and I know no chapter is perfect, but the SIU chapter feels like a breath of fresh air. They are students with a deep, living faith that informs everything they do. They are the most missional bunch of students I've ever met. They are vulnerable and honest with each other. And God is doing a mighty work in their midst -- their chapter has doubled in size, reached out to so many non-Christians, and the chapter seems poised for even more growth and outreach.

Honestly, it was like a breath of fresh air. I spent my last semester in InterVarsity leadership extremely frustrated. My spiritual community was a mess. I had a vision for outreach that I thought God had given me but that few other people seemed to value. Most people involved in my little section of IV turned their back on our mission, and among those who didn't it seemed like they were having a different spiritual crisis every week. I constantly felt worn down, exhausted, and hopeless -- and really hurt, as numerous times a few people would do or say things to others in our community that were like slapping me in the face. And I was constantly frustrated by leadership structures that strangled the vitality out of my faith.

So many of the values that I missed and longed for in Allen Hall are present in the SIUC chapter. I was floored even just by the way they pray for each other. It felt like God was taking that week to say to me "Greg, that desire you had to see a witnessing community was right and valid. I am who you thought I was (and so much more, but we'll save that for later). I did call you to student ministry." So many of the doubts I've been having vanished in the sunlight of Michigan (it was 70 there all week! I wore shorts!)

every tribe, every tongue, every nation
hallelujah, he reigns

life, unfiltered

Sitting in the crowd at Urbana 2009, I knew that I wanted to do cross-cultural missions. I didn't -- I still don't -- know exactly how or in what context. I love InterVarsity; and I love working with and seeing Jesus transform students. I want to do that for a long, long time. But my experience in Malawi -- the way God met and changed me there -- lit something in me that I can't deny is still there and probably will be for a long time.

It's; I don't know, it's a host of things. Seeing and sharing Christ with people of other cultures, and learning to be humble learners. Something I said before my trip, but was always only a buzzword or right attitude for me has now become completely true. I long to be part of a team that does life together in a certain way as well; the juxtaposition of our Malawi team with the Pangani community is still something that haunts me (in a good, "I won't settle for less again" kind of way).

Community is always tricky for me. At my heart I want what everyone else does: a community where I can be transparent with all my faults and brokenness. As I am slowly learning to allow myself to accept the broken me (and learn to accept it in others), I long to find a place where I'm the "Greg that God is healing" instead of the "Greg that God has already fixed, saved, trained, etc." This calling is to a frustrating, messy, painful sort of community life but one I long for. We become like Jesus in our relationships to others, not to abstract ideas or theology. At least, mostly. And that's what I want -- the sense of doing life together, of growing together, of sharing the stories God is writing in our lives.

There are so many different reasons I got into ministry. Calling. Responsibility. Pride. Selfishness. Ultimately, finally, it's because Jesus loves me and is working in me. As I grow in faith, I see more and more how broken I am and how beautiful the redemption that I already have is. I want to be near Him, to be becoming like Him, and to share Him with others. He's so good, I can't keep Him to myself.

I don't know if I feel called to long-term cross-cultural missions (at least, not yet). But I do want to regularly spend time pursuing God in other contexts and cultures, and learning to receive from His followers the same way I hope students will receive from me at SIU. Maybe I'll (help) lead global projects -- that seems like something I'd really be interested in and would be a good fit. Of course, that would be at *least* two or three years from now -- and two years ago I certainly hard no plans to go on InterVarsity staff. So, we'll see what God says in the meantime.

partnership

Fundraising is a curious thing. There are a lot of contradictions in it; at least, that's how it seems to me now.

For example: it both is and isn't about me. It's not about me because it shouldn't be. It's about the mission of God and the ministry to the students at Carbondale. I can't make myself too important in my own eyes - too put together or perfect. When I do, I start to worry about why people won't DONATE TO ME. Or I start to get confident in my training and skills and plans and not the power of Jesus. I start to get trapped in my own narrative of what's important: staff, me, my budget, my gifts. It's not about me.

But it IS about me! The money I raise is my salary and goes to train and equip me to be on campus; it reflects my unique skills and the gifts I bring to the table. I also have numerous donors who give or will give because they like *me.* So there's that same pressure from Malawi -- to have a plan and a strategy; to be worth the financial investment people make on my behalf. To earn their approval and respect.

More and more I am reminded that humility and brokenness are the ways of Jesus. I saw clearly this semester, this summer, that all my skills and training usually end up less valuable than Jesus changing my life. When I was honest with my doubts and struggles and my relationship with God -- THOSE were the times I was a blessing.

I'm so glad God called me to Malawi. More and more I see what He did it for -- not only in the great breaking and healing He did in me there, but in the way He used it to prepare me for fundraising. I realize that I shouldn't make it overly about me. I shouldn't strive to earn God's (or donors!) approval. I shouldn't approach from a 'donor/aid' perspective but from that of a humble partner. Or servant?

Intervarsity (as much as I love it) is not the sum of God's kingdom, and I am to the tool of His mission. Ultimately this is about God's love for me. It transforms me. Friends: what people need is Jesus, and he's transforming us to be like him.