life, unfiltered

Sitting in the crowd at Urbana 2009, I knew that I wanted to do cross-cultural missions. I didn't -- I still don't -- know exactly how or in what context. I love InterVarsity; and I love working with and seeing Jesus transform students. I want to do that for a long, long time. But my experience in Malawi -- the way God met and changed me there -- lit something in me that I can't deny is still there and probably will be for a long time.

It's; I don't know, it's a host of things. Seeing and sharing Christ with people of other cultures, and learning to be humble learners. Something I said before my trip, but was always only a buzzword or right attitude for me has now become completely true. I long to be part of a team that does life together in a certain way as well; the juxtaposition of our Malawi team with the Pangani community is still something that haunts me (in a good, "I won't settle for less again" kind of way).

Community is always tricky for me. At my heart I want what everyone else does: a community where I can be transparent with all my faults and brokenness. As I am slowly learning to allow myself to accept the broken me (and learn to accept it in others), I long to find a place where I'm the "Greg that God is healing" instead of the "Greg that God has already fixed, saved, trained, etc." This calling is to a frustrating, messy, painful sort of community life but one I long for. We become like Jesus in our relationships to others, not to abstract ideas or theology. At least, mostly. And that's what I want -- the sense of doing life together, of growing together, of sharing the stories God is writing in our lives.

There are so many different reasons I got into ministry. Calling. Responsibility. Pride. Selfishness. Ultimately, finally, it's because Jesus loves me and is working in me. As I grow in faith, I see more and more how broken I am and how beautiful the redemption that I already have is. I want to be near Him, to be becoming like Him, and to share Him with others. He's so good, I can't keep Him to myself.

I don't know if I feel called to long-term cross-cultural missions (at least, not yet). But I do want to regularly spend time pursuing God in other contexts and cultures, and learning to receive from His followers the same way I hope students will receive from me at SIU. Maybe I'll (help) lead global projects -- that seems like something I'd really be interested in and would be a good fit. Of course, that would be at *least* two or three years from now -- and two years ago I certainly hard no plans to go on InterVarsity staff. So, we'll see what God says in the meantime.